Global Brain-Kinks

Rocking the Boat

2006-12-01T23:17:00.000+01:00

E-tid.com

09/07/2002

Swingers left high and dry by fantasy ship

Today’s Guardian reports hundreds of disappointed swingers are out of pocket after the MS Atlantis, a luxury cruise ship for ‘open-minded couples’, failed to turn up for its maiden voyage from Marseille.
For around £1,000, passengers were promised a week’s Mediterranean holiday of ‘sun, sea, sex and fun’ on the ship, where ‘everything is possible all day, every day, all night long’.

Ellen, a 43-year-old Belgian nurse, was one of those who lost out. She told Belgian daily De Morgen: ‘I just can’t accept I’ve been swindled. I really thought I’d get value for money.’

The Belgium-based official agents for MS Atlantis said they had also been duped out of thousands of pounds and have lodged a complaint with local police, who are currently investigating the matter

The local Belgian police are investigating? Well that's ok then. Back to bed Robocop, you are obviously obsolete...

Swinging Safari

2006-11-25T16:24:00.000+01:00

Daily Telegraph

Unknown

Church fury over plan for sex safari

A SOUTH African rancher has enraged local community leaders by planning to stage a motorcycle rally in which bikers will be invited to hunt down prostitutes with paintball guns.

The "sex safari" is the idea of Johan Maree, 49, who has invited 5,000 bikers for a long weekend of "enlightened fun" on his 3,000-acre game farm near the town of Ellisras, Northern Province.
Bikers will pay 300 rand (£30) for three colour-coded pellets of paint which they can use to "hunt the whores" - prostitutes hired to run through the bush amid herds of impala, kudu and zebra.

A "handful" of male prostitutes will also take part for the amusement of female bikers. The human "game" will be paid about £20 per hour each, irrespective of whether they are "caught" - splattered with paint.

Mr Maree dismissed critics of his plan as "people living in an outdated hypocritical age". Revellers would enjoy an "unusual weekend in the wild". What happened between hunters and hunted would be "entirely up to consenting, fun-loving adults".

But the Rev Theo van Blerk, head of the local Dutch Reformed Church, called the idea "disgusting and shameful". He and other church and community leaders were holding an emergency meeting to try to halt the event. "This is an open attack on the traditional Christian lifestyle we still cherish in this area," said Mr van Blerk.
"This is a God-fearing town and we are determined to keep it that way."

The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals complained that wildlife on Mr Maree's land would be "traumatised by the bedlam".

But 19-year-old Lindy, one of the sex workers who has volunteered to take part, said: "The fee is low, but it's an adventure and at least I should lose a bit of weight."

Now you don't see this kind of entrepreneurial flair in Europe.

Heavy petting

2006-11-18T23:58:00.000+01:00

Daily Telegraph

Ask Chris Munnion

Relief for zebras as randy rhinoceros finds a mate.

A LIBIDINOUS but confused rhinoceros which killed three zebras in its urge to mate has finally found a partner of the same species, officials at Marloth Park nature reserve in eastern South Africa announced yesterday.

The orphan rhino, named Frikkie, had initially been lonely and frustrated, said Andre Lubbe, town clerk of the village that looks after the park, adjoining the Kruger game reserve. Mr Lubbe said: "He had an identity problem and attempted to mount the female zebras in the reserve, killing three of them by jumping on their backs, breaking their hind legs and crushing them to death."

The park acquired a female rhino, Frieda, but it took Frikkie some time before he showed any interest. "This week the rangers were delighted to spot the couple busy together near a waterhole," Mr Lubbe said. "Frikkie eventually collapsed
from exhaustion and has been resting in the water, but he has obviously discovered his proper role. He has not looked at another zebra."

Yet another reason to bin those old safari pants you've been hanging onto...

Worst hangover ever ?

2006-11-16T21:35:00.000+01:00

Daily Telegraph

03/01/2001

Thieves drank HIV blood

TWO thieves drank containers of HIV-infected blood after mistaking it for yoghurt. The drunken pair, one of them only 16 years old, found the samples in a car they stole at Porto Velho airport in Rio de Janeiro.
The thieves were stopped at a police barricade as they tried to leave the area and when told what they had done, immediately asked for medicine to induce vomiting. The infected blood had been left in the car by a biochemist who had packed the samples in a styrofoam cooler in order to send them by aircraft to a laboratory in Belo Horizonte.

Words fail me - fucking idiots

Northern Lights, aka Bumfire Night

2006-11-09T23:51:00.000+01:00

bbc.co.uk

09/11/2006

Backside firework prank backfires

A man suffered internal burns when he tried to launch a rocket from his bottom on Bonfire Night.
Paramedics found the 22-year-old bleeding, with a Black Cat Thunderbolt Rocket lodged inside him, when they attended the scene in Sunderland.
He suffered a scorched colon and is now recovering in hospital, where his condition is described as stable.
A spokesman for the North East Ambulance Service (NEAS) said the prank could have been fatal.
Douglas McDougal, from the NEAS, said: "We received a call stating there was a male who had a firework in his bottom and it was bleeding.
"He sustained fairly significant injuries in the fact that there's huge damage to that particular area."
Mr McDougal added: "Potentially it could have been a fatal incident.
"There's a lot of major blood vessels round that area, so infection would probably be a huge problem for him.
"And also the body naturally produces methane gas, so combine that with the firework and the exploding effect with methane's flammability - it certainly could have been a lot worse than it really was."
A spokesman for the Firework Association described the bizarre prank as "beyond belief". He said: "We have spent a long time working with the government to create laws that make fireworks safer and better for the public.
"This incident is very concerning but hopefully an isolated one."
Northumbria Police said they were aware of the incident, which happened in the Dame Dorothy Street area of Monkwearmouth, but are understood not to be carrying out further inquiries.

A legend in, of, and now without his own arsehole. Reminds me of that hamster... now what was his name again ???

Germans castrate Mannequin Pis

2006-11-05T23:36:00.000+01:00

Daily Telegraph

19/05/2004

Men given standing orders

A German inventor who developed a device that berates men if they try to use the lavatory standing up has sold more than 1.6 million of them, his business manager said yesterday.

If the lavatory seat is lifted the gadget, placed under the rim, declares in a woman's voice: "What are you up to? Put the seat back down right away. You are definitely not to pee standing up. You will make a mess." Its makers are in negotiations to sell it in Britain.

Hope this thing is water & shock-proof !

I am NOT F*CKING ANGRY !!!

2006-10-23T20:11:00.000+02:00

Unknown

January 1999

Flower gift sparks knife attack

JIM YOELL is unlikely to buy his wife flowers again in a hurry. When he came home with two bunches for her, she got so furious that he had spent £20 on them that she ended up stabbing him in the back with a 13-inch knife.

"She didn't think he should have spent that kind of money on flowers," said Robert LaForge, a prosecutor in Petaluma, California, where Jenny Yoell, 29, pleaded guilty to a charge of battery. She was jailed for two months. The couple are undergoing marriage counselling. David Sapsted, New York

Sounds familiar.

New Vibrations

2006-10-21T01:20:00.000+02:00

No idea

clueless

Friday night bonus

Dedicated to my very good friend Veronique. Vero may not be a dedicated fan of Harry Potter - or even a mother, but my instinct tells me that she would have confiscated this 'toy' faster than a beaver could eat a courgette!

p.s. Batteries not included.

Another Russian Master-Class

2006-10-20T23:43:00.000+02:00

Daily Telegraph

04/10/2000

Methanol drink scientist ill

A RUSSIAN professor was in a critical condition last night after he mistakenly drank methanol at his research lab in Oxford. Prof Alexander Zhankov, 44, swallowed the highly toxic liquid believing it to be the pure alcohol substance, ethanol.

The scientist, who has carried out research into drink abuse, was found unconscious near his laboratory, the Centre for Ecology and Hydrology.
It is unclear why the scientist would want to drink ethanol, but in Russia it is said to be sometimes drunk in place of vodka.

Admirable work-ethic, Na Zdarovya Alex !

My Round !

2006-10-19T00:13:00.000+02:00

Daily Telegraph

14/07/2004

Drunk who fired gun into groin sent to jail

A drunken roofer who shot himself in the groin after stuffing a sawn-off shotgun down his trousers was jailed for five years yesterday under new firearms legislation.

David Walker, 28, drank 15 pints of lager during an all-day binge before arguing with his best friend over who should buy the next round. He staggered the 200 yards from the pub to his home where he loaded the shotgun, which had its single barrel shortened to 15 inches. Walker pushed it inside his trousers but, as he returned to the pub, it went off.

Sheffield Crown Court was told that his testicles were seriously injured and that he still had pellets embedded in his scrotum four months later. Further tests are needed to assess whether he is still fertile or will be able to have sex.
Walker, from Dinnington, near Rotherham, South Yorks, admitted possessing a prohibited firearm. He denied possessing a firearm with intent to endanger life and intent to cause fear of violence. Those charges were allowed to lie on the file.
Andrew Hatton, prosecuting, said Walker's mother had called an ambulance after she found him bleeding in their kitchen from the gunshot wound. Asked by police what his intentions had been, Walker replied: "I would probably have come to my senses. I don't know what I was thinking at the time. I had a lot to drink."
Under new regulations contained in the Criminal Justice Act 2003 and incorporated into the 1968 Firearms Act, there is a minimum sentence of five years for anyone who is convicted of possessing a prohibited firearm. Walker committed his offence six weeks after the legislation became active.

5 years porridge for blowing your own balls off..? Should have waited for Utube & Google ...

Flight attendants behaving VERY badly

2006-10-16T19:24:00.000+02:00

Associated Press

07/12/1998

'Air rage' passenger dies

ISTANBUL, Turkey (AP) --
An unruly passenger died aboard a Malev Hungarian airliner on Saturday after being strapped to his seat and injected with tranquilizers.
The passenger, identified by Turkey's Anatolia news agency as Finnish national Mikaeinar Peterson, was dead by the time the jet made an emergency landing in Istanbul. Anatolia and Hungary's MTI news agency said the man started harassing others aboard a flight from Bangkok to Budapest. He allegedly punched a pilot and tried to choke an attendant.
The crew and passengers tied him to his seat and a doctor aboard gave him an injection. An autopsy done later in the day showed he died because of the mixture of the tranquilizer and some other drug or alcohol. Witnesses saw the man take a pill before he became violent and authorities suspected he was drunk, Anatolia said.
Police detained two pilots, four attendants and five passengers along with the doctor and his father. A new crew from Hungary flew the jet to Budapest with its remaining 183 passengers.

Malev, one more reason to travel. (yes - the official slogan!)

Flight attendants behaving badly

2006-10-14T20:29:00.000+02:00

Daily Telegraph

21/07/2004

Drunk crew in air punch-up

Two male Aeroflot crew members on a domestic flight from Moscow beat up a passenger who had complained that the flight attendants were drunk, the airline admitted yesterday.

The attendants were so intoxicated that they "behaved improperly" and the passenger asked to be served by someone sober. He was left with a black eye, Izvestia reported.

Things are different in Russia, but you have to admire the chivalry.

Friday 13th - a short story

2006-10-13T22:09:00.000+02:00

Daily Telegraph

06/10/2004

Unkindest cut in the dark

A 67-year-old Romanian in a village near Galati mistook his penis for a chicken's neck in the dark, cut it off and his dog rushed up and ate it, the state Rompres news agency said yesterday.

Excruciatingly tragic. The upside is that it happened at 67 and not 18. The downside, Margaret Thatcher didn't get the opportunity to make the same mistake...

Belgian civil servants do it lying down

2006-10-12T18:30:00.000+02:00

Flandersnews.be

06/12/2005

ENVIRONMENT - Nuclear radiation watchdog goes kaput

BRUSSELS - Nuclear radiation watchdog Telerad has been inoperable for around five years, according to an audit of the Federal Nuclear Control Agency. The report states that the service which is supposed to detect dangerous levels of radiation was affected by the millennium bug and has not functioned correctly ever since. Telerad cost 25 million euros to set up and was only active for about two years before the bug hit. An inspector from the Agency who tried to alert his director about the problems for three years was given the sack; since then, the director and his assistant have been fired for incompetence. Both have political connections with the French-speaking Socialist party and Flemish Liberal party, respectively. Flemish Socialist MP Philippe De Coene described the report as "damning" to a federal agency.

Interior Minister Patrick Dewael said that while he acknowledges the fact that Telerad is not working optimally, radiation levels have been recorded and there is no risk to public safety.

Only possible in the 'capital' of Europe - Any VCs out there looking to buy a disfunctional country..?

CatShitCoffee - hard to swallow

2006-10-07T16:52:00.000+02:00

Daily Telegraph

14/10/2004

Why coffee is the cat's whiskers

Scientists have discovered what gives the world's rarest and most expensive coffee its unique smooth flavour.

Kopi luwak is made from beans that have been eaten and excreted by civets, cat-like creatures that feed on ripe coffee berries in Indonesia. Selling at about £230 a pound, it is highly sought after for its earthy, syrupy flavour.

Massimo Marcone, a food scientist at the University of Guelph, Ontario, reports in New Scientist that the animal's digestive enzymes break down protein inside the beans.
It is protein that gives beans their bitter taste and the enzymes help to give the beans a mellow flavour.

Jesus - try knowingly drinking this stuff with a hangover

English Rose

2006-10-06T15:28:00.000+02:00

Daily Telegraph

Unknown

Bride 'attacked six policemen in reception brawl'

A BRIDE spent her wedding night in a cell after attacking six policemen who were called to her reception when she became violent after drinking several Babychams, a court was told yesterday.
Michelle Darcier-Thompson, 28, is alleged to have sworn, thrown punches, kicked an officer in the groin and gone "crazy" as police tried to stop a brawl among guests. She was said to have knocked one officer down a flight of stairs, had her silk wedding dress ripped and a drink thrown over it as tables and glasses went flying in the St Valentine's Day brawl.
Eventually she was carried out to a van by four policemen and allegedly carried on the assaults, Sheffield magistrates were told.
Darcier-Thompson, of Whetstone, north-west London, was also said to have been "confrontational" at the police station and given a false name. She denies assaulting six policemen and being drunk and disorderly at the wedding reception at The Office pub in Upperthorpe, Sheffield. Police were called by Lesley Deehan, the landlady, after the bride allegedly started throwing glasses only hours after her marriage to Mark Thompson, a Scots Guardsman. Ian Gilmore, prosecuting, said: "She was not in a mood to calm down. She was shouting, swearing and acting in an aggressive manner." He said Darcier-Thompson slapped or punched three
police constables, kicked two others, one in the groin, and then lunged at a sixth, swinging punches at him.

She appeared in court under the name of Michelle Darcier and was not wearing a wedding ring. Mrs Deehan told the court she had served the bride with several Babychams before fighting began at 11pm after the groom's stepfather and bride's father began arguing. She said: "The stepfather went to headbutt the father but missed and fell against the bar. Later I saw the bride walk into the pub from outside. She walked up to a policeman and struck him."

The hearing continues."

Classy bird that...

God help America

2006-10-04T12:34:00.000+02:00

Daily Telegraph

06/04/2000

Ban for Manneken Pis beer

A BELGIAN beer labelled with a picture of Manneken Pis, the Brussels statue of a boy urinating, has been banned in Ohio.

A spokesman for the Ohio Department of Commerce, said drink labels with "immodest, vulgar or sensuous images" are banned by the state. A label also cannot show children or their likeness. He said: "We would rather err on the side of caution than to put something out that would be considered offensive."

Err on the side of idiocy surely...!?

Italian Dentists ...?

2006-10-03T16:15:00.000+02:00

Daily Telegraph

21/03/2003

Italians admit most dentists are impostors

More than half of Italian dentists are impostors, sometimes plumbers or traffic wardens, according to Italy's dental association.
It says there are 45,000 bogus dentists, compared to 40,000 qualified professionals, and money is likely to be the reason. Dentists are among Italy's highest earners.

ouch...!

BIG night out

2006-10-02T20:18:00.000+02:00

Daily Telegraph

30/09/2002

Sabotaged dam repaired

Much of Albania's capital, Tirana, remained under water last night despite the army's success in closing the doors of a dam opened by a drunken worker. Two engineers, a city official and a guard were arrested.

Drowning his sorrows maybe ...?

Pour les francophones

2006-09-29T11:17:00.000+02:00

Juliette Coquine prend son pied

Besoin de rire ? Bon, allez faire un tour sur le site de Juliette Coquine - une jeune Belge qui partage ses experiences sur le chat ... c'est pour mourir de rire....

Sa va ...?

In memoriam veritas

2006-09-29T10:54:00.000+02:00

Ananova

7/11/2000

Randy wife remembered with penis gravestone

Fresh attempts are being made to remove a gravestone featuring two penises from a cemetery in Romania. When Constantin

Vasilescu's wife died in 1969, he ordered a gravestone showing a woman sitting on a penis because he said she cheated on him.

In 1985 a top communist official noticed the gravestone near to where he wanted to bury his own wife and ordered the grave destroyed.
After the revolution which toppled Nicolae Ceausescu in 1989, Mr Vasilescu ordered a new version of the gravestone but was persuaded to tone it down to feature only two stylised penises.

He told the stone mason: "That's all she thought about all her life so that's what she's going to be remembered for in the afterlife as well."

Mr Vasilescu died in 1993 and now residents in Brasov are complaining about the "bad taste" of the monument and have asked the cemetery authorities to have it removed.

Now that's what I call erecting a monument!

Too much sun ..?

2006-09-29T10:35:00.000+02:00

Daily Telegraph

17/10/2000

Witchcraft lynch mob members shot

TWO members of a lynch mob in Lagos, Nigeria, who attacked a man they believed had turned two children into dogs, were shot dead by police.

A rumour had swept through the Lagos suburb of Oko-Oba that the man, a dealer from northern Nigeria, had transformed a missing boy and girl after giving them each 20 naira (10p). Local vigilantes detained the man and gathered up the dogs. Police arrived as they were about to lynch him and arrested 15 people.

During the fighting, two of the mob died. The rest, including the dogs, were taken to Lagos state police command in Ikeja.

A police spokesman, Victor Chilaka, said: "We do not know quite what happened so we are detaining all of them." Including the dogs? "Including the dogs." On what charge? "I am not sure," he said. "I am sure we will not hold them for long."

Belief in witchcraft, and the power of humans to transform themselves into animals and vice versa, is widespread in Nigeria. In the past two years newspapers have reported alleged incidents of a vulture which became a man and a schoolboy who turned into a yam..

Now can anyone tell me why the hell anyone would turn himself into a YAM ?!!

Loving nature too much

2006-09-27T12:17:00.000+02:00

Daily Telegraph

09/10/2003

A grizzly end for man who liked to tell bears 'I love you'

A bear-lover who would creep up to grizzlies in the wild chanting "I love you" to prove that they posed no danger has been killed by them.

What remained of Timothy Treadwell, 46 - author, filmmaker and celebrity for his unorthodox views on the animals - was recovered from the Katmai National Park in Alaska this week. His bear attacker had buried part of him in a so-called food cache.

"This is unfortunate, but I'm not surprised," said Deb Liggett, the park's superintendent. "It really wasn't a matter of if, it was just a matter of when."

Mr Treadwell's girlfriend, Amie Huguenard, 37, was also killed, and two bears were shot dead by rangers and state troopers called to the scene.

During his lifetime Mr Treadwell, a former drug addict from Malibu, California, always said that if he came to grief, it would probably be his own fault and he wanted no bears to suffer in retaliation. "It would have killed Timothy to know that they killed the bears," said Jewel Palovak, an associate in California.

Mr Treadwell was the founder of Grizzly People, an organisation devoted to the protection of grizzly bears and their habitat. According to the group's website, it was Mr Treadwell's practice to travel bear country without weapons.

Mr Treadwell featured on the website of the actor and environmental activist Leonardo DiCaprio. According to a biography on the site, Mr Treadwell beat his addiction by spending time in the Alaskan wilderness, where he developed his fondness for bears.

The self-styled authority on the animals urged concerned friends not to worry and apparently added that he would be "honoured" to end up in a pile of bear dung. "I think Timothy would say it's the culmination of his life's work," Ms Palovak told the Anchorage Daily News.

"He always knew that he was the bears' guest and that they could terminate his stay at any time. He died doing what he lived for."

Definitely a Darwin Award candidate ... shame about the bears!

A little help from your friends

2006-09-26T16:50:00.000+02:00

By Paul Stokes

Source/date unknown

Woman bit off man's testicle in party fight

A NEWLY-WED bank supervisor had a testicle bitten off by a colleague's wife during a drunken party to celebrate his wedding. Doctors told Neil Hutchinson, 29, that the shock and pain could have killed him had he not consumed so much alcohol. He spent four days in hospital, during which surgeons were unable to re-attach the severed organ, and then he learned that his new bride had left him.

Mr Hutchinson, a TSB employee and his wife Shelley, 20, of Craghead, Co Durham, had been invited to celebrate their marriage with another couple. Denise Carr, 29, whose husband Nathan, 32, is a fellow TSB supervisor, had missed the Hutchinsons' wedding and threw a party in their honour.

While the two women went out for drinks, the men drank three quarters of a bottle of tequila at the flat in Low Fell, Gateshead, Tyneside. When they returned, a quarrel broke out involving all four. Mr Hutchinson attacked his wife and Mrs Carr tried to defend her friend, said Stephen Duffield, prosecuting, at Newcastle Crown Court. It ended with Mr Hutchinson sitting on top of Mrs Carr and she bit him to get him off.

Police arrived a short time later to find the flat in disarray and found Mr Hutchinson's testicle under a picture frame on the sitting room floor. Mrs Hutchinson said: "Denise said she knew she had bitten his groin but she didn't know she had done that kind of damage."

Mr Hutchinson was taken to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital, Gateshead, and later transferred to the Freeman Hospital, Newcastle, for surgery. Denise and Nathan Carr, who have two children, were jointly charged with wounding with intent.

The court accepted her plea of guilty to the lesser offence of affray and the charge was dropped against her husband. Mrs Carr will be sentenced in January.

Her husband said after the hearing: "It has been a really bad episode for us but we were only trying to help out a friend who was in need." Mrs Hutchinson said that she had issued proceedings for divorce against her husband.

Now that took balls... !

Alternative medicine

2006-09-26T16:20:00.000+02:00

Daily Telegraph

25/09/2000

Grave robbed to cure Aids

GRAVE robbers in South Africa have dug up the skull and bones of a former deputy minister of transport in the apartheid regime to create a "cure" for Aids. Hannes Rall's former farm manager told Aids sufferers that they would be cured by drinking tea brewed from the crushed bones of well-known whites.

Think I'll stick with my GP...